Fathers

Fathers

So, fatherhood has been on my mind lately, specifically the different “fathers” in my life.  Then, on my way to work today, Dr. Meg Meeker was being interviewed on Relevant Radio for her new companion guide to her book Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters talking about, you guessed it, fatherhood and she only got two reactions when asking women about their fathers, they either had joy and excitement because of all the wonderful memories or they cried because of how terrible the relationship was with their fathers.  Either way, the point being, fathers have a lasting effect on their daughters, all through life.

I married a man who has proven to be a wonderful father to our children.  He gives to them many of the things I wish were given to me.  I’m not talking about the material things in life (in that, we definitely struggle).  I am talking about those things that guide a child to make decisions that are spiritually good, to think about things eternal, to put God first.  My husband truly believes that he is responsible in helping our children live holy lives (I do too, but am not always good at setting a good example), in entering Heaven upon death.  He is a man of great faith!  And he does his best to pass that on to our children.  The one who absorbs it the most?  Our oldest, Chimina.  Her father can do no wrong!  He is larger than life.

I, am adopted.  Not only that but my parents (adoptive parents so as not to make the matters even more confusing) are divorced and remarried.  So, I have my dad, my step-dad, and in recent years, have reunited with my birth father. Each one of these men is a part of me.  With each man comes some fond memories but also some saddness.  I have read Dr. Meeker’s book and love it because it is so true in expressing the desires daughters hope for from their fathers.  I want to give this book to each of these dad’s in my life.

For my dad, I would like to give it to him in the hopes that he sees where he failed and where he succeeded.  I would want it to open up discussion for us at the very least.  I would want him to say, “I’m sorry that I did xyz or didn’t do abc”.  My memories with my dad are mixed, prior to the divorce my memories were that of a daughter seeing her dad as a hero.  Those are the memories I cherish greatly! After the divorce (and remarriage) the memories get muddy, there was a LOT of saddness I felt and a lot of trust was lost.  Not because of the divorce but because I felt that my opinion, my feelings, didn’t matter much.  That I just had to “blend” and do what was wanted from me and that any deviation was not welcomed.  I cried many times in the middle of the night those weekends I stayed with him and my step-family.  But I always hoped that things would get better, that our relationship would build on trust.

Now, I know that my dad is human and his shortcomings are different than mine.  I know that I have disappointed him and that he has disappointed me.  But I still hope, at the age of 34, that our relationship will grow deep one day, that I will be able to trust him with my thoughts and dreams without being criticized.  Maybe I am going about this like one of my favorite Looney Toon characters, Wil E. Coyote, trying for something that usually blows up in my face, but for as long as we’re both alive, I need to keep trying.  And it seems that the Catholic faith he always wanted me to have is our uniter and the possible foundation we can rebuild the trust.

I would love to give this to my step-dad, but he is blind.  My step-dad was in my life every day from 15 on up.  He has shown me what unconditional love looks like, what “the little things” means.  He is a very simple man, but he has always shown so much love in the simple things.  He knows more of my likes and dislikes than my mom (who I am very close to).  He does little unexpected things that make me realize that yes, he does pay attention.  This book would help him know that he has done some things right.  And while I am an adult as well as his daughter (my step-sister), it would be good for him to know that an “expert” would say that his “little things” were spot on most of the time.

My birth dad has a daughter (my half-sister) Chimina’s age.  I am getting to know him better each day and see the beauty of his simplicity, but at the same time, see him making mistakes, not realizing the power he has in affecting ‘lil bio-half-sis’s life.  I see the mistakes, and maybe I am projecting, but he grew up with his parents married, bio-half-sis’s parents didn’t even date.  She and I have a few things in common, we’re both products of a one-night-stand.  I was the one given away, she’s the one raised in the mess her parents created.  I tell birth dad how bio-half-sis needs him to protect her, to fight for her, to guide her.  That she needs to feel like she belongs, that she is his priority not his girlfriend.  He listens, but I don’t know if it registers.  I don’t want bio-half-sis to grow up looking for what was lacking from her father in the arms of a man who does not have her best interest on his mind.  I know what that road is like, I went looking for what was lacking from so many boys who did not have my best interest at heart.  I have known so many girls who have done the same.  I don’t want that to happen to her.  So, for birth dad, I think I may give this book to him in hopes that he will read it.

I can’t affect, let alone, change, others, but I do hope that maybe some of my experiences will help those willing to listen.  That it will cause any fathers reading this to think to themselves “How does my daughter see my actions?  How will what I am doing or not doing today affect her in the long run?  How will I show her that she is special and needs to be protected and more importantly respected?”