Honeymoon periods

So, this week I have been thinking about honeymoon periods.  I am amazed at how, having knowledge that they exist with every relationship, I can see them for what they are while in them and look forward to getting through and over them so as to see what the relationship will really be like.  And sometimes those honeymoons come back, especially with one’s spouse (thankfully).  

I think back to a little over a year ago when I reunited with my birth father (poppa).  There was an instant connection.  I have never had this connection with my birth mother.  I am greatful for her decision to give me life and place me for adoption, I know that it was the most heartwrenching decision of her life, but I just don’t feel connected.  But with poppa, we just clicked.  And those first few months were quite a honeymoon period.  If I hadn’t read up about adoption reunions I and my family would have thought there was something seriously and disturbingly wrong with me.  The emotions were absolutely CRAZY!!!!There was a desire to be close, the fear that I wasn’t loved, or the fear that I would yet again be “abandoned” (yes, I wasn’t “abandoned” in the sense that society thinks of abandonment), I’d call every day and panic if poppa didn’t answer.  I felt jealousy of the time he’s spent with his other children, the little things that were missed throughout the years.  He felt the same heartbreak for missing those moments too.  But then, and I don’t know where it happened, things began to flow into a non-crazy relationship and reality returned.  After having lunch with him this past weekend, it hit me that that is the comfortable relationship I was hoping we’d reach post-honeymoon period.  There was no craze about it, it was a continual flow of a relationship that is always learning and growing.

I think of the honeymoon phase of reacquainting myself with friends of the past.  There is this obsession about trying to catch up, trying to see the world as they do, trying to discover their interests and incorporate some of them into your own life so as to maintain a connection.  It’s these honeymoon periods that have caused me to have an “eclectic” interest in many things from music, to movies, to museums, to you name it.  Maybe my experience is unique (they say that adoptees are quite the chameleons) but I like to think that it isn’t.  Yes, the honeymoon period is awesome and exhausting.

With mis amores, the same thing, a honeymoon period.  Obviously with hubby there was a honeymoon period or else we would not be married.  But it was the post-honeymoon period that the beauty of who he is came out.  Yes, the exciting fun times are and were great, but it’s in the challenges, and the routine of daily life where the true beauty can be and is found.  It’s in the talking about politics or laundry or the lawn.  It’s in the family walk after dinner.  My hubby has some many great qualities and a few that are annoying, but it is a combination of all those qualities that make me love him, that I thank God for him.  Even during the darker moments of our relationship, those moments we’ve hurt each other, the hurt was out of fear of losing the one we love and not responding in the right manner.  And last weekend we turned a corner, there was a disagreement, some hurtful things were said, but instead of escalating them into a louder discussion (we don’t yell, but talk at a normal level more intensely) we cooled down, and for some reason, the right words came to my mouth for the first time.  The discussion ended beautifully and we once again entered a small honeymoon period.

Then there’s the honeymoon period with each child.  Chimina, Riggs, and the Leach all have had different honeymoons with me.  Each have there own song that came with the honeymoon.

Chimina’s: 

Mommy loves you, yes she does.  Mommy loves you, yes she does.  Oh I love you, you’re outta sight, I have loved you every day and night.  Mommy loves you, yes she does. mommy loves you, yes she does. Oh I love you, oh I do.  To you my heart will be forever true. (I make up verses after that).

Riggs’s:

Who is my little boy?  Who is my little joy?  Who is my little boy? (then son’s name twice)  I love you little boy.  I love you little joy.  I love you little boy.  (then son’s name twice)

the Leach’s:

(first and middle name), I love you so, (first name), my (first name), my (first name and then middle name).

Yes, the songs do seem to get shorter with each child, but the honeymoon that inspires them lasts.  And just when things get into the “normal” range, one of them says or does something that reignites a mini-honeymoon in my heart.  Then again, this, I think, is the same for all parents.

A weekend of wonder

Chimina and Riggs (the oldest daughter and son), Saturday’s adventrue on the bike to the park was so special and sweet.  Who would have thought that a simple trip to the park would result in trying not to be attacked by a mama bird who had built the nest for her egg on the woodchips of the park?!  The fear in your faces when she ruffled her feathers and chirped loudly at us was sweet and funny.  But you did well staying away from her.  And the fact that you did not want to leave her in fear of something happening to the egg she was protecting was precious.  Even more, your warning the sister and brother who were riding their bikes on the street near the park about the bird, shows that your daddy and I are doing a wonderful job raising you.

Then we went to the wedding you didn’t want to attend.  I was worried, but you all behaved well, and when the cake reception began you discovered the fun you were able to have between the yummy cupcakes, the bubbles, and playing with the cousins you do not see very often.  Two hours later, the “is it almost over?” turned into your not even complaining about going but being sad to leave.  And the fact that you were able to spend time with your grandparents who live out-of-state was great!  I especially loved watching you, Riggs, as you finally perfected blowing bubbles.

Hubby, our date was wonderful.  I love how we can go from a romantic dinner together just the two of us, to watching a film that challenges, inspires and brings about pride in our faith, and for you, pride in your ancestors.  Romance, deep discussions, silly behavior, praying together and everything in between, that is why we are best friends!

Sunday, the Machine Shed called our name and we met up with my birthdad and his girlfriend.  It is so nice how being reunited has finally gone from stress and expectation that could not be articulated nor even figured out to an easy relationship that is comfortable and flows smoothly.  Yes, mis amores, I know that adding this “newer” grandparent into your life can be a little difficult to understand, as it’s difficult for me to understand at times – has been my whole life,  you have been able to warm up nicely and are beginning to see this grandfather as another person who loves you.  The best part of this Machine Shed experience, watching you all climb over the tractor outside and playing with it and taking pictures on it with this grandfather.  And you even wanted to hug him goodbye.  Yes, mis amores, you have been given some lemons indirectly as a result of lemons I was given, but together, we have made lemonade.  You are going through all of these “families” with less apprehension.  I hope that daddy’s and my love is helping you through all of this.

And finally, the last joy or wonder of the weekend, your tia’s new house.  I have not been able to ask you about all that you pretended and imagined when playing in the rooms and closests of the house.  But, based on your smiles, laughter, and running, what you were imagining must have been exciting.  No amount of television or video games could ever replace the magic of play, and tia’s house sure provides a great area to use your creativity!  I have a feeling you will be requesting to go to your tia’s a LOT!

Thank you, mis amores, for all of the beauty you showed me this weekend.  I really had fun!

Fathers

Fathers

So, fatherhood has been on my mind lately, specifically the different “fathers” in my life.  Then, on my way to work today, Dr. Meg Meeker was being interviewed on Relevant Radio for her new companion guide to her book Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters talking about, you guessed it, fatherhood and she only got two reactions when asking women about their fathers, they either had joy and excitement because of all the wonderful memories or they cried because of how terrible the relationship was with their fathers.  Either way, the point being, fathers have a lasting effect on their daughters, all through life.

I married a man who has proven to be a wonderful father to our children.  He gives to them many of the things I wish were given to me.  I’m not talking about the material things in life (in that, we definitely struggle).  I am talking about those things that guide a child to make decisions that are spiritually good, to think about things eternal, to put God first.  My husband truly believes that he is responsible in helping our children live holy lives (I do too, but am not always good at setting a good example), in entering Heaven upon death.  He is a man of great faith!  And he does his best to pass that on to our children.  The one who absorbs it the most?  Our oldest, Chimina.  Her father can do no wrong!  He is larger than life.

I, am adopted.  Not only that but my parents (adoptive parents so as not to make the matters even more confusing) are divorced and remarried.  So, I have my dad, my step-dad, and in recent years, have reunited with my birth father. Each one of these men is a part of me.  With each man comes some fond memories but also some saddness.  I have read Dr. Meeker’s book and love it because it is so true in expressing the desires daughters hope for from their fathers.  I want to give this book to each of these dad’s in my life.

For my dad, I would like to give it to him in the hopes that he sees where he failed and where he succeeded.  I would want it to open up discussion for us at the very least.  I would want him to say, “I’m sorry that I did xyz or didn’t do abc”.  My memories with my dad are mixed, prior to the divorce my memories were that of a daughter seeing her dad as a hero.  Those are the memories I cherish greatly! After the divorce (and remarriage) the memories get muddy, there was a LOT of saddness I felt and a lot of trust was lost.  Not because of the divorce but because I felt that my opinion, my feelings, didn’t matter much.  That I just had to “blend” and do what was wanted from me and that any deviation was not welcomed.  I cried many times in the middle of the night those weekends I stayed with him and my step-family.  But I always hoped that things would get better, that our relationship would build on trust.

Now, I know that my dad is human and his shortcomings are different than mine.  I know that I have disappointed him and that he has disappointed me.  But I still hope, at the age of 34, that our relationship will grow deep one day, that I will be able to trust him with my thoughts and dreams without being criticized.  Maybe I am going about this like one of my favorite Looney Toon characters, Wil E. Coyote, trying for something that usually blows up in my face, but for as long as we’re both alive, I need to keep trying.  And it seems that the Catholic faith he always wanted me to have is our uniter and the possible foundation we can rebuild the trust.

I would love to give this to my step-dad, but he is blind.  My step-dad was in my life every day from 15 on up.  He has shown me what unconditional love looks like, what “the little things” means.  He is a very simple man, but he has always shown so much love in the simple things.  He knows more of my likes and dislikes than my mom (who I am very close to).  He does little unexpected things that make me realize that yes, he does pay attention.  This book would help him know that he has done some things right.  And while I am an adult as well as his daughter (my step-sister), it would be good for him to know that an “expert” would say that his “little things” were spot on most of the time.

My birth dad has a daughter (my half-sister) Chimina’s age.  I am getting to know him better each day and see the beauty of his simplicity, but at the same time, see him making mistakes, not realizing the power he has in affecting ‘lil bio-half-sis’s life.  I see the mistakes, and maybe I am projecting, but he grew up with his parents married, bio-half-sis’s parents didn’t even date.  She and I have a few things in common, we’re both products of a one-night-stand.  I was the one given away, she’s the one raised in the mess her parents created.  I tell birth dad how bio-half-sis needs him to protect her, to fight for her, to guide her.  That she needs to feel like she belongs, that she is his priority not his girlfriend.  He listens, but I don’t know if it registers.  I don’t want bio-half-sis to grow up looking for what was lacking from her father in the arms of a man who does not have her best interest on his mind.  I know what that road is like, I went looking for what was lacking from so many boys who did not have my best interest at heart.  I have known so many girls who have done the same.  I don’t want that to happen to her.  So, for birth dad, I think I may give this book to him in hopes that he will read it.

I can’t affect, let alone, change, others, but I do hope that maybe some of my experiences will help those willing to listen.  That it will cause any fathers reading this to think to themselves “How does my daughter see my actions?  How will what I am doing or not doing today affect her in the long run?  How will I show her that she is special and needs to be protected and more importantly respected?”

For you, My won…

For you, My wonderful hubby!  Thank you so much for all the loving hard work you put into making our house and family a truly blessed “Home, sweet home”.  Obviously if God were not in the center of it all the trials would be much more difficult to manage.  The way you mold and protect our children, watch out for Chimina’s (oldest child, not her real name) innocence now that she is older and playing with friends who are exposed to more of the challenging parts of life, the way you are you.  And as a husband, you protect me too.  It is so refreshing to have someone want to make everything okay, who actually listens, who lets me cry, and who trusts me enough to cry to me.  

You are a gift  to me, and when I struggle with sharing you with your fans or the Church (Catholic) these wonderful caring gifts you possess and freely share remind me that yes, indeed, it is safe to share you because the world needs more men to set the example you set, to be vulnerable, to sin and seek forgiveness, to admit your mistakes, to celebrate your joys and successes, to honor and worship God without timidity.  Indeed, you are one of the greatest blessings God has given to me.